I'm gonna have a badass scar
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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