Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Randomize
