Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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