My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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