Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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