I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize