You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
