I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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