Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm too high and old for this...
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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