Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
