Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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