This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
