She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
