how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
