How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
