barbara walters just said penis...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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