a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
