My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
