Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My vagina just recognized that song.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Let's paint friendship bongs
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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