Where is the hickey?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
