I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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