What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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