Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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