I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
