Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
