what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
