Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
