I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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