Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
