I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
