Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
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oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.