It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's never too late to be topless.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.