i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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