My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
