tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
