I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
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So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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