if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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