dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
