dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
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I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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