I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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