Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
