Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
