So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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