Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
