I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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