i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
