It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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