It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
