it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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