Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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