as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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