this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
