Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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